craftytastic

For the first time in what seems like forever I have cast on something for myself, for that matter I havn't knitted in ages, nor sewed or patchworked or done anything creative & I started to wonder if it was part of why I've been feeling so droopy.
I love knitting for the fact that you can pick it  up and put it down unlike sewing a skirt where I loose track if I have to put it down for a week & come back to it.
I cast on this morning & got 2 inches in before realising my stitches were twisted irrevocably so I had to start again.
This is what I'm making the practical procrastination pullover in mid purple, lets just see how long it takes to finish.
Mods I'm making, the pattern is for a 36 inch bust, I have a 40 inch bust so I added 16 stitches to hopefully give me that ease.

I just don't know

I am very sick of being dependant on others, I am an independent person, when I lived in armidale I had my set up so anything I couldn't haul home I could have delivered, anything I needed I could walk to, I grew 90% of my vegetable, no minor thing when you have 4+ veggies with every meal & I had friends I walked to, not many but enough.
Now if I want to do more than basic overpriced shops at coles I need a lift.

I had booked with the same friend who is the reason I'm not driving on my own that today I would do 3 things at centrelink, buy pet food &get some of Trystan's school uniform which I can't get here as there are no clothing shops in this town  as well as catch up with my friend as currently all my adult interactions are through facebook or the phone.
This  didn't happen, I'm not blaming the friend as the car going kaput is out of his control, I am blaming him for the screaming abuse, the accusations of emotional blackmail because I  pointed out that some of these tasks are time sensitive & for calling 8 times in an hour to scream at me, hang up & not pick up if I tried to call as well as sending 2 text messages 2 emails & send last weeks former friend to send me 3 more abusive messages about what a crazy bitch I am.

I am stuck, I can't get out of town without help & I can't drive without help  & I can't get either, I can't pay for lessons because my centrelink has been reduced because I can't study this semester because I can't get to the tafe & because I'm still paying $500 worth of a former house mates bills which were unfortunately in my name.

Oh 7 it's rained constantly for 2 weeks & due to do so for another 3, my house isn't sealed so it's damps & crap, my bathroom leaks along 2 walls so it's damp & musty, my chimney caved in  & is soaking my kitchen, the light in my kitchen broke, not the bulb but the actual wires so if I want to stand on the bench & risk electrocution I can have light in my kitchen, my child & I are stir crazy & every room in the house is dark & cluttered & horrible & it would seem that every-time I turn around a friend is betraying me or a service isn't working or my costs have just increased while my ways of making money have decreased, I should have made about 5 phone calls today to arrange payment but didn't because I was going to go out & do jobs & be around adults for an hour.

Overall I am seriously fucked, I can't grow food at this house, I don't want to be in this house, I don't want to be in this area except for the warmth, I'm far away from friends & unable to get to anything or anyone I need.

I'm not happy about life & I think i may just drink the 4 beers left over from my last two 6 packs that people keep bringing me knowing full well one will last 3 drunkenings

holy gardening pron for me

http://www.gardeningblog.net/how-to-grow/

badness

I've been a little over life lately, a friend suddenly stops talking to me because her boyfriend doesn't like me, a good friend isn't able to talk & I'm having trouble with the bank & with finances in general.

I don't know what I'm doing with myself if I should study or if I should stay in this area, I don't like being single right now, I want to have more babies & I'm feeling a bit ganged up on a hopeless.

I need a garden to focus on, I so want a place with dirt to get knee deep in where I feel safe independant & unscrutinised.

I want life to be ok.

Things that will be easier once i can drive

I had a friend move north with me, said friend offered to help me drive in october 2010  but never wanted to give lessons except during the 2.30 to 4pm time slot, you know when the roads are crazy hectic with dashy kids & stressed mums& I still havn't had much chance, the person in question is incredibly lazy, Doesn't like to get up before 1 pm takes an hour to wake up then & considers going out to be a massive imposition that one hates to ask for & will get pissy & wingy if you want to do more than one job but hates being asked to do jobs even so close as 3 days apart & yet still feels  that my driving wouold be too much of an issue, I fucking HATE being trapped like this.

Food shopping, It will be nice to be able to go to the grocer, butcher health food places that I like rather than to coles that I can walk to & be able to shop for the week/fortnight/ stock up on good bargains/bulk rather than what I can carry for 20 minutes (thetime it take to walk a k with my 5 year old)

General shopping, I can walk to a hardware store the size of my bedroom apart from that this town is rich in cafes & giftware junk shops, I can't buy clothing here but that means the fabric shop which is also out of walking distance looking forward to being able to go to those places & return to spotlight as I'll often see fabric & only see it's potential 2 days later & my so called friend isn't willing to help me get back there.
Also tip shops, gardening supplies, hardware shops etc

Going on adventures, I almost never get out of this town it has a population of under 5000 & the most interesting thing here is 2 parks rich in lizards & bats or the library The biggest reason I want to drive is so my son & I can go to beaches for hours or bushwalking or to see national parks & waterfalls go to markets & carnivals even just go to different parks.

Finding a house, this last move I wasn't able to inspect houses unless one of the two people I know up here had an apointment that was at a similar time to an open house so it was very hard to find a place, Also being able to drive would allow me to be out of town on some acres which I would prefer anyway.

Moving, Last time I was begging rides of people to find boxes, realising neither the hardware store or supermarket have packing tape at a sane price & generally having no control over the process, I hated still not having tape 4 days before moving day, also even if i elect to have a removalist I can actually run my own little bit back & forth instead of yet again begging people for help in the evening.

Lets hope I can get help with this, I'm a good driver, cautious & can handle my car, I like that it's slow & big & can go to markets or do bulk shops & that I can fit even my fridge or lounge in this car if the seats are down so I can move my own house, I hope to get help through February & try to arrange a test in march, I hope like nothing else that I don't fail cos I can't afford it & & I don't have time

Good day... with bees

Another day of minimal pain, Another park run for a few hours this afternoon.
We went & got library cards & I am very impressed with the local library, the children's section is a quarter to  third of the space & they have a lot of children's programs & the librarians seem like lovely ladies, we chose 4 books as that's the max for your first time but next time we may pick he whole 20 who knows? It' great that it's only a few blocks from home.
On the way home Trystan noticed a tiny bee hive 12cm long & 5 across with maybe two dozen native bees around it, it was a fascinating thing to take a look at & I'm very glad we had the experience.
The rest of the day involved the last of the sock skeins & my insane thought : maybe I can do some fingering weight now we also read books & did a tidy up & played game after game of uno tryst even tried to get the nieghbour to join us.

I have fabric laid out & a self made pattern chosen for a shirt & I'm just trying to figure out if I'll do an overlay on any of the godets & how exactly I want to execute the underskirt, & I have some listings to create lets see how I go given I have an hour before bed & not enough dishes to worry about.

Lazy?

From the time my son was born I have been burdened by this idea of being lazy, I chose to be a stay at home parent partly because I could afford to & mostly because I felt his first few years were too fleeting & important to pay someone else to handle/experience no one would love or appreciate it like I could & did but I lived slow & still try to & in a fast world spending an hour playing with lego & two hours at a park seems to be considered wasteful & indulgent, it isn't  getting qualified or making money & right now I'm feeling a push, when my son turns six I must be engaged in some useful activity 20 hours a week or loose centrelink help & it drops to next to nothing once he turns 8 this presents a big problem when I have real estate currently not willing to rent me something over 35% of my income so $380 a fortnight this is supposed to stop people living in a state of poverty mostly it just leaves them with nowhere to live & as it is proven I live well on 40% of my income to cover food bills & fun (maybe not as much fun as I'd like, more book money would be nice) but the point still stands & it's really scary having to fib & apply with a friend or try to build my business on nothing.

Eek tangent must stop that.

Back on track
I have been told by several people that I'm the least lazy person they know, hard to believe when you're being told that normal is working a 40+ hour week & less than that is a failure or a luxury, it really makes me appreciate the first 3 years of Trystans life that we were free to spend the first hour or 2 of the day taking care of animals & the garden with no rush to get anywhere.

skiening & listing, listing & skeining

skiening & listing, listing & skeining, thats been a generous portion of today.

Trystans friend came around at 2 & we rampaged around & I got slightly more work done while the kids cavorted in the garden, picked flax, watched guineas & we then went to the park & did more lizard watching, I like that being with familiar children encourages Trystan to push himself physically he climbs higher, runs faster, & is just a shred competitive, I like being able to see it as I don't as I'm usually the playmate, he needs a sibling.

I am tossing up if I will list more tonight or if I will watch something funny & spin some of my niece's yarn.

Almost no pain & productive.

Today the sciatica which has been acting up for over a week making walking without way too much neurofen & neurofen with codiene nearly impossible was almost better, got up with only a twinge & took an hour to decide that a few pills for the anti-inflammatory would be advisable, Tryst & I ran errands in town & went to the park & watched water dragons, he so wants to see them up close but he runs up & scares them off so today we practised sneaking & watching & if they started to move stopping & stepping back & as such got a good view, me must have looked loopy but who cares really.

I had a bit of bad news from the bank, apparently loans are only available to people with enough money not to need them so in essence to bowwow a thousand i need to have $600 more income per fortnight to which I replied that if I had that much extra money why wouldn't I just save it & not bother with banks, no aparently I can't afford to live on my income full stop let alone borrow money.


On with that I know I have been poor most of my life & it on occasion makes me loopy for security, I so want a house that I'm not just paying out 50% of my income into paying their mortgage & never going forward myself it seems so unfair
But the fact is I do live & easily & well even with my garden producing nothing, maybe I have less "needs" than other people or maybe I go without perceived nessesities I don't know what people can be doing to find $2000 a fortnight slim living when I live on $450 after rent & before bills.
better stop before a full on greed money evil tangent gets going.


I remembered that I have a lot of sock yarn sitting not even skein-ed & spent some of the evening with Tryst skeining as he loves the swift it was a good way to wind down, I'm waiting on some dyes but I still have some & at a suggestion I think I will make rainbows, sock rainbows, chunky rainbows, dark, light & neon rainbows    .

Oh & it's my birthday in a week & a day, I feel unreasonably old most of the time, knowing I need to save "X" amount or never get a house loan or that I must meet my fantastic-stable-not-a-violent-angry-looper-man in the next few years if I'm going to have more children, I have good reason to be old for my age, being a mum to my siblings when my parents couldn't, being an oldest child full stop nevermind a mum at 18 & single mum by 20 but I need to relax & hope that if I stay calm it will come together & stop feeling so bloody old & see if my 24th birthday can yield some fun not suitable of a 50 year old widow :P.

Been a long while

I must apologise even though no one reads my blog for the massive lapse in posting.
I had been out of traditional work or education for 8 years so suddenly going to a 28 study week with a 1 hour round trip walk each day with a rush to pick up my son from school knocked me for 6 before we even get into parenting an active 4 year old, trying to come up with meals to suit us & the people we lived with while tryst became more picky & coming back to cleaning up after 2 slobs that never lifted a finger & handling homework.


Anyway, I moved so we're alone again, I'm setting up a minor garden, I'm hoping to drive everyday in feb & get my licence in march so I can get around, My baby is starting kindergarden in a few weeks, I'm thinking about getting into uni to do natural resource management & apart from that the wool division is getting a lot of attention once my bond comes back & my ebay is going back up after a few months down because much as it doesn't thrill me it makes money to save with.